I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
only you would photoshop your dick
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
