Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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