I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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