he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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