Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
