I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
