the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
