The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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