alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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