I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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