For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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