Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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