i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
