I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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