if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
