she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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