Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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