All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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