Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Randomize
