Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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