apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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