Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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