I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
