just come out here and I will go home with you...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
