Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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