I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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