I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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