Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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