Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
