Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
