Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
