he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
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She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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