why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
no, he came in my armpit
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
