Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
