i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
