Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
