If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
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