I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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