i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
