Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
