The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
