I cannot find my penis.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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