I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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