so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
