Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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