meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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