If i come over, it means nothing
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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