I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
