bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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