I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
