that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He? As in you personified your dick?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
