Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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