Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
