At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
