What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
