Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
