dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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