So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i need an iv and a liver transplant
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
