tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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