I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
