I faked an abortion last night.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
