come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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