u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
